What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
11.06.2025 01:22
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
We all went to grammer schools
I could never make a relationship work though!
She wouldn,t have been !
We were not on the streets..
I have no regrets .
This is soul school!.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
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I of course replied” arh beautiful!
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
My mum and dad in the seventies!
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My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
So whats the point in blame.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
When Chinese people see my pets, will they think of it as their food?
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
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But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
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That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
What is it like to use a Fleshlight?
I waited trembling.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
He resisted the act ,that day.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
I write beautiful poetry .
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
What did i know ?
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
She found it foreign!.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
I will be 64.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
It was going to be , some day.
But, we were locked up after school.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
I was 9 years of age.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
As i do to all so called friends.?
And i lived it daily.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
I never cut or harmed myself..
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
All the time i was locked up.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Who then, do I blame.?
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
She married twice! .
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
I couldn’t, believe it.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
I was very sick at this time too.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
I said to her
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Put me off passion for life!!
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Ive learnt so much.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
But it wasn’t much.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
One cannot live in the past .
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Would this be the day?
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
He knew the spot.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
(And it was in our own minds.)
My life is so biszare .
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
When she asked me how she looked .
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
She was in good health!
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
I was scared of men, in general
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
I don,t even have a pension.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
I was seconnd youngest,
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
She loved him until the end.
Why did i forgive my father ?
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
My family never makes their pension either.
So, i spoilt her more .
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
But ive been too sick for many years..
Was to survive, this bastard.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Especially a lifetime of it.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Im still living with it.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
I think the readers, may guess!
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Comes on , in middle age.